The entire DC area has been under several feet of snow for like, a month now, so in running out of things to do, I decided to start playing “The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past.” I got the ROMs from bittorrent, and I use the Mac version of Snes9x to play. Snes9x, for those who haven’t used it, is one hell of an SNES emulator.
I’ve picked up this game a few times over the course of my life, but never really had it in me to get into it. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I have ADHD or I didn’t have time or I just didn’t have it in me or some weird shit, but I’ve been playing it pretty hardcore for the past week or so. It might take an average player less time to beat this game, but I have a weird obsession with getting ABSOLUTELY ALL of the items, secrets, etc., that the game has to offer.
Anyway, it’s pretty cool, considering it came out in 1992, it’s aged really well. I’m having a lot of fun with it, except it’s balls hard.
Seriously, it’s fucking hard, this game does not mess around. I usually don’t feel compelled to throw my controller against a wall, but in several instances of this game, I’ve wanted to. I might as well anyway, because my little brother borrowed (read: took without asking) it once and got soda in it, so if I let it sit for any more than like 6 hours, the buttons get sticky and I have to clean them out with a wet toothbrush; then they work fine. Eventually, this trick will stop working, but until then, I’m going strong.
At any rate, if there is any one question this game’s programmers were asking themselves while making this game, it is this:
“How can we make this even more of a pain in the ass?”
Seriously, take this boss for instance, this boss is on the fourth or fifth major dungeon. I don’t remember, probably because I was screaming in frustration:
Fuck this thing.
That is “Moldorm,” the gigantic centipede of doom. I had to fight Moldorm between 8-10 times, and I consider myself to be an above-average gamer in terms of skill, especially for adventure games. You see, every time Moldorm hits you, you get knocked to the edge of the platform that Moldorm conveniently hangs out on. God forbid you be ANYWHERE near the edge of the platform, too, because if you are, you’re hosed. If you fall off the platform, you fall to the room below, and you have to climb the stairs to go fight him again, except SOMEHOW he has all of his fucking health back. Seriously, this guy is like Neo, except instead of bullets, he is able to recover from sword attacks. Lots of ‘em. In like 5 seconds. I’m pretty sure that was in Beowulf or something. Maybe you falling to the floor below gives Moldorm enough time to get some Neosporin, or PCP. Who knows.
Anyway, the point here is, the game designers were like “nah, that’s not enough, let’s make this even more fucked up, we’ll put a hole in the MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING PLATFORM. THAT WILL SHOW HIM WHO IS BOSS, THAT JERK.” I’m glad I didn’t spend $50 on this game, I’m also glad I have save states, so when I get knocked off the platform, I press command+d and I’m right there, ready to go, for another round. TECHNOLOGY WINS AGAIN, YOU PRICK.
Anyway, I found a picture online of someone who fits the profile of a typical Zelda game designer.
All Zelda games are pretty much the same. First, you go get a sword, then you go do three minor quests that are all pretty easy. It’s sort of like Nintendo playing with you. ”This game is pretty cool, so we’ll do this to suck you in, then we’ll make up for it later in a sick bastard kind of way.” Then you find out that THE PRINCESS has been captured by GANON, THE KING OF THIEVES, who is going to use his MAGICAL POWER to lock Zelda, princess of Hyrule, away forever. Then you have to go get a Master Sword and do some other bullshit through like 7 quests, and then you fight Ganon and the game is over. Somehow along the way, you end up picking up a boomerang that I still don’t know does what the fuck anything, a hookshot, a bow and arrow, some magic spells, the master sword, a mirror shield, some bottles, aaaaaand some kind of critical plot device that significantly changes the game’s environment.
Look, you can write your own Zelda game with this Zelda-o-Matic I wrote just for you:
Link, the (chosen one / hero / last of the bretheren) must collect the three (pendants / mystical orbs / jewels) to complete some (small virtually irrelevant task in the grand scheme of things). But wait! Zelda, the princess of Hyrule, has been captured! Using the three (whatever), you can obtain the Legendary MASTER SWORD, which you can use to unlock the (seals / barriers / gateways) to the seven (pendants / maidens / pieces of Triforce). In doing so, you prevent Ganon from obtaining enough power to take over Hyrule! BUT WAIT! Ganon already has some dark power, so you have to use the magical (wand / mirror / completely unheard of woodwind instrument) to BREAK INTO HIS LAIRS and DEFEAT THE GUARDIANS THEREIN. Only then can you defeat Ganon by reflecting his attacks back at him, before he reverts into his true form, and then you win by shooting Ganon with magically imbued silver arrows. DONE.
Also, I don’t know if Zelda programmers have ever actually been in a dungeon, but I have, okay? Dungeons are fucking lame. I’ve never seen a rat in a dungeon. I’ve also never seen moving spiked floors which shoot fire and death, but just, just throw that aside for a second, okay? Have you ever needed a compass in a dungeon? NO, YOU DON’T NEED A COMPASS TO NAVIGATE A DUNGEON. A COMPASS DOES NOTHING FOR YOU IN A DUNGEON. Also, why are there keys everywhere? Who runs these dungeons? Why would you hide a key inside a pot? That’s dumb. Finally, these dungeons don’t have prisoners, mind you, they just hide mystical pendants. I don’t get it. If Ganon really wanted to make Link’s life miserable, why wouldn’t he be like “HA HA, I BURIED THE PENDANTS IN COMPLETELY RANDOM LOCATIONS THROUGHOUT HYRULE, GO GET A SHOVEL AND START LOOKING, YOU DWEEB!”
I've got badass facial hair and an imposing black robe. What do you have, Link? That's right, you got nothin'.
Another issue here is that I’m sure Link suffers from “the Mario problem,” or just Nice Guy Syndrome. Link is going to go rescue some broad on the advice of some old coot, which he does, and what does he get for it? Some pieces of heart? A better shield? A fucking boomerang? Are you serious? Does he ever get to go out with Zelda? I mean, every time I start a Zelda game, she is living in some castle, while Link lives in some shed or shack or tree or some other Anacostia bullshit. Then she gets captured, and Link fights through Hell and back to save her, while Zelda is like “Thanks for saving me, Link, you’re such a great guy, but I’d hate to ruin our friendship with messy physical complications, so here is a magical shield.” Not even a date? Nothing? Link’s not out there for Link, Link is out there for Zelda, okay? He doesn’t get shit. I want to play a Zelda game where Link and Zelda ride on a horse into the sunset together. But I’m a hopeless romantic sap who suffers greatly from Nice Guy Syndrome, so what the fuck.
I then proceeded to begin the construction of the McGangbang 2.0. The most annoying part of it was separating the two cheeseburger patties, which had somehow managed to permanently fuse themselves together in a disgustingly glorious singular mass of cheese and death over the course of my five-minute drive back to my office.
Maybe I’m crazy, but after watching several episodes of the show, I’m convinced that Nickelodeon is getting under-the-table funding from the reds. Here’s the plot synopsis from Wikipedia:
Subliminal messages from this episode:
