Why does the stomach growl?
I’m not asking you technically, I mean metaphorically.
I know it’s some kind of wack-ass chemical reaction. Something about juice and acid and gas (lol) and science. It’s just “nature’s way” of saying “hey, hey buddy, there is nothing in here, so you better fix it, you nutjob.” Reactions are for chemists. I have another theory.
It’s a reminder of what we really are: animals. Mammals with powerful, powerful instincts, and at 11:45 AM, those instincts are screaming only one thing at the top of their lungs:
MEAT.
Take me, for example. This is what I look like around lunchtime. Clean-cut. Well-kept. Good-looking, and with an uncompromisingly American attitude.
I'm single, for the love of God I'm single.
Inside, though. Inside…there is only this.
I'm still single.
Sometimes you don’t even realize that you’re hungry, because your stomach doesn’t growl. That’s when you’re really hosed, because then you realize that you have been chewing on the backend of an ST connector for half an hour, and you’re “pretty sure it ain’t gonna be working anymore” and you have to explain to your boss why you have a $25 fiber replacement on your expense report. But I digress.
As it turns out, I didn’t know what to have for lunch today, even though I was in that kind of mood. Part of me was saying “cheeseburger,” and the other part of me was saying “chicken nuggets.” Generally incompatible, yes, but if you can install Windows on an Intel Mac, what can’t you do? Legend tells of a sandwich outside the mortal realm, a sandwich which – literally – strikes fear into the hearts of even the most seasoned nerds. Truly a diabetic debacle. A gastrointestinal ghoul. A nutritional non sequitur. Gentlemen! (And Shannon and Lenore) THE MCGANGBANG.
Jesus Christ.
Now, if it is not obvious enough, a McGangbang is a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger with a McDonald’s McChicken in the middle of it, a total cost of $2.19, plus tax. I imagine it is called “The McGangbang” because that is what it feels like it’s doing to your digestive system as you are eating it. If you use the $1 “McDouble” – McDonald’s way of being a bunch of cheap-ass bastards by yanking the second piece of cheese from the double cheeseburger so they could keep the cost at a buck – it’s not a McGangbang. You really, really do need both pieces of cheese for this to work.
Now, being a nerd, something of an innovator, and someone who enjoys tinkering in general, especially with cuisine, I decided to approach the assembly of this atomic abomination with a few hacks. Why? Two reasons.
1: I don’t like mayonnaise. At all. I realize this is really a personal issue; I mean, I also like having Dock Magnification turned on, so it’s a wash. What I do like, however, is Big Mac sauce. Therefore, I ordered the McChicken with big mac sauce instead of mayonnaise. I thought it would be free, but McDonald’s charged me 0.15 for it. Fair enough, I’d bitch if it were more than a quarter.
2: There is really no need for four buns. A third bun gives the sandwich balance. A fourth is extra calories at the cost of the taste of the delicious meat. Basically, having 4 buns on one sandwich is kind of like running Windows Vista in any capacity; there’s so much fluff, you have a hard time getting to the meat.
That’s what she said.
This in mind, I decided to christen my creation “The McGangbang 2.0″ because “The McMcMahon” is obnoxiously redundant.
Caloric Breakdown:
Double Cheeseburger: 440 kcal
McChicken with Big Mac Sauce and No Bun: approx 290 kcal
Small Fry: 230kcal
Diet Coke: 0kcal
Total: 960kcal. Obviously not something you’d want to eat every day, but you could definitely do worse. A double quarter pounder with cheese and a medium french fry will set you back 1120kcal, and probably be a lot less awesome. Altogether was $5.21 with lousy 10% local restaurant tax.
I set out my ingredients before beginning assembly. The fries were not involved with sandwich construction, but they were part of my lunch, so whatever.
I then proceeded to begin the construction of the McGangbang 2.0. The most annoying part of it was separating the two cheeseburger patties, which had somehow managed to permanently fuse themselves together in a disgustingly glorious singular mass of cheese and death over the course of my five-minute drive back to my office.
It was unpleasant.
THE FINISHED PRODUCT. BEHOLD:
How does it taste? Well, the big mac sauce was on kind of thick, so your mileage may vary, but otherwise, it was really, really awesome. I would definitely eat this again. The lettuce gave it some oomph, and the McChicken patty is a peppery and heavily-breaded but otherwise pretty good piece of poultry. Removing the fourth bun was definitely a good idea. I like all the other ingredients (ketchup, mustard, pickles, lettuce, McDonald’s ghetto onions), so those stayed, which was also a good move. It really did have a lot of flavor.
It's only truly horrifying if you stare at it for too long, like eating an oyster.
And how do I feel now? Surprisingly okay. My regret-o-meter is only rolling about a 3 out of 5, which is about what I was expecting. Feeling pretty full/heavy right now, to be sure, but it’s pretty chilly outside anyway. I’ll get a salad for dinner. Or not.
So there you have it, folks, the McGangbang 2.0. I recommend it. Who knows, maybe it’ll catch on and we’ll get some more readers and be Internet celebrities or get some coupons. So, until we get a shot at the KFC Double Down, adios.
