Time is relative. It’s one of the most important lessons being a member of the working world has taught me. The lunch hour moves by at death-defying speed. One moment, it’s 12:00. I’ve barely taken the first bite of my sandwich. It’s 1:15. Fuck.
And then, at about 3:30, it happens. I call it “the void.” Time stops. The world stagnates. The phone does not ring. There is no new email. For a moment, I am unplugged, disconnected. I feel my consciousness blur, I am no longer an individual, I am dissolving, I see the universe, I am watching the moons dance around Jupiter. Farther out. Uranus, sideways, spins gracefully, its concentric rings immaculate, wheel-like. Farther out. I am at the edge of the galaxy, the burning core of the milky way is becoming dimmer. Farther, I am cold. I am moving faster, I have come to know infinity. Everything — everything has meshed together, there is nothing but metaphysics, and black and white are vague abstractions. There is nothing but gray in the void.
A singularity.
I’m moving faster than light. I can see color again. I’ve turned back. The stars, the galaxy, Uranus, Jupiter, the belt, Mars, the Moon. Time is spinning. My brain is re-constructing itself, and I realize again that I exist.
My eyes open, and my head comes off of the lip of my desk as I look at my ringing phone.
“Apogee Mary Washington, how can I help you?”
The cheerful voice of my boss echoes through the speaker. In Austin, it’s only 2:30.
“Joseph, how’s it going?”
“Oh, you know.” I stifle a yawn. “Hitting the afternoon slump a bit.”
“Maybe you should do the dew!”
“Yeah, I’ll get right on it. Thanks.”
I walk to the bookstore and peruse the wall-o-stimulants for a while before picking up a $3 can of NOS.
“CAUTION: POWERFUL – Not recommended for children, pregnant women, or people sensitive to caffeine.”
Energy drinks fascinate me, and are worth writing about, since they’ve somehow become permanently entrenched in nerd culture; largely (in my opinion) due to the movie Hackers. “1.48 g(ram) Energy Blend.” Taurine, L-Carnitine, Caffeine, Inositol, Panax ginseng extract. I look at the ingredients on the can, pop the top open, and hesitate momentarily. I briefly review the ingredients in a bottle of Pine-Sol in my head, and take a whiff from the NOS can. I glance again at the ingredients, shrug, and beat “the void” to death – senselessly – with a 16-oz chemical bat. Or do I?
1000 milligrams of taurine per serving, 2 servings per can. I just put 2 grams of what-the-fuck in my body. To give you something to compare it to:
2 Grams of Heroin: ~ $240 according to the DOJ.
A medium-strength dose of Vicodin contains 750mg of paracetamol (Tylenol) and 7.5mg of hydrocodone (the good stuff). If you’ve ever seen a Vicodin pill, they are quite large.
A typical dose of ibuprofen is 400mg.
This is a 80mg pill, even it is of size in my man-hands:
PILLS HERE
At any rate, 2 grams of taurine, and practically a gram of the other shit. What is it all, exactly? I discovered while writing this that reading Wikipedia articles about any sort of drug or chemical will inevitably result in the “black hole” effect and (unless you’re a doctor) total confusion. To quote the article on taurine:
“…has been implicated in a wide array of physiological phenomena including inhibitory neurotransmission, long-term potentiation in the striatum/hippocampus, membrane stabilization,feedback inhibition of neutrophil/macrophage respiratory burst, adipose tissue regulation…”
FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU thanks a lot, graduate students.
The comprehensible parts actually label taurine as a relatively beneficial chemical, but also list it as “major constituent of bile,” which, as you may know, is also a major constituent in the color of our shit. That’s right, you’re drinking your own intestinal fluids. Well, whatever. They also use it to make contact lens solution.
Down the list, we find “L-Carnitine,” 400mg per can. Back to Wikipedia, the article makes even less sense, and also makes me feel even guiltier about getting a D in biology. Thanks a lot, Dr. Temple.
Anyway, after reading the article, I’ve come to the conclusion that L-Carnitine doesn’t really do anything, except possibly, possibly improving the health and quality of sperm; something I’ve never really had to worry about. It also might be helping people who have type II diabetes, but I somehow doubt that people with type II diabetes are drinking NOS energy drink. It is banned for sale (though not possession) in Canada, and after visiting several websites about it, I could find no FDA-approved information endorsing its potential effects.
Next on the list, caffeine, 260mg per can. Enough to give me a slight headache 2 hours after consumption. Everyone knows what caffeine is. I’m not talking about it. It’d be like telling a group of Star Wars nerds that Ewoks live on Endor and that Carrie Fisher “was sure hot” in that slave outfit.
Next is Inositol, 200mg per can. Inositol is synthesized naturally by the human body, but can help those suffering from bipolar disorder. However, 200mg is just enough to do absolutely nothing for you. They also put it in shampoo. NOS, rinse, and repeat.
Finally, ginseng, 100mg per can. I’m just going to quote wiki on this:
“This ingredient may also be found in some popular energy drinks: usually the ‘tea’ varieties or functional foods. Usually ginseng is in subclinical doses and it does not have measurable medicinal effects.”
I’ve seen information in a Men’s Health article which cites a study saying that ginseng may boost your brainpower, but I’m skeptical.
It doesn’t mention it on the NOS can, but because it’s such a popular additive, I’ll write it in: “guarana” is just another way of saying “caffeine,” the guarana seed just has a high concentration of the stuff.
So…where’s the energy really coming from? Caffeine and sugar. The rest of it is bogus. I bought six cans of different energy drinks for $17…almost $3 a can, that I could’ve pissed away (get it? HAAAAAAAAA) on Coca-Cola for far, far less.
And if you follow the history of energy drinks, it becomes more apparent that it’s marketing smoke and mirrors. IRN-BRU, the sort of “original” energy drink, which came out in Scotland (“Iron Brew” sounds much better if said in a thick Scottish accent, go ahead, try it) in 1901, through Lucozade, Jolt Cola, Josta, and Surge, didn’t bother with the additives and stuck with the “RAARG WE HAVE SUGAR AND CAFFEINE” advertising method. The notable exception is (this is not a drug, really) Lipotivan, a Japanese drink which came out in the 60s, which experimented with taurine as an energy supplement.
And from what I remember, Surge tastes pretty good, as does Jolt, which is ultimately what it’s all about. How does it taste?
I went to 7-11 to find out. Tune in next week for my taste tests. With pictures! Climactic conclusion! ENERGYYYYYY!
I LAUGHED AT ““RAARG WE HAVE SUGAR AND CAFFEINE”advertising method.”
I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR WORK ON DE-ENERGIZING BEVERAGES (I.E. WINE COOLERS, WINE SPRITZERS, ARBOR MIST.)
PLEASE EXCUSE THE CAPS, I JUST “UNLEASHED THE BEAST” BY OPENING THIS CAN OF BLUE-FLAVORED MONSTER ENERGY, AND CANNOT STOP SHOUTING. ALSO, THIS SEEMS MORE XXXTREME.