Today’s post is not directly about the Internet, technology, Web2.0, video games, scripting, cable standards, or the wide, wide world of being a defense contractor. I do feel, however, that the “web culture” (nerds) will find it the most poignant. Today’s entry is about revisiting childhood.
When I was a kid, I watched a lot of fucking TV. Like, a lot. Interestingly, I don’t watch any TV now except for Battlestar Galactica (which I’m way behind on and own only on DVD) and Spongebob Squarepants, which ought to give you some insight on the kind of person I am. At any rate, the “glory days” were filled – FILLED – with Nickelodeon. If it was on Nick, I watched it. Rugrats, Ren & Stimpy, Salute Your Shorts, Wild & Crazy Kids, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Hey Arnold, Kenan & Kel. Frasier? Nope. Seinfeld? Never. Everybody Loves Raymond? Negative. Family Matters? I didn’t do that. Full House? Not today. Virgin? 22 and going strong. Cartoon Karma, maybe?
A big one for me was Doug. Doug was one of my favorites. Doug is an “every man.” I knew a lot of adults who liked Doug, as he is a very real, human character. Ironically, he is the only person on the show who has that characteristic.
To show the contrast, I typed “Doug Funnie Characters” into Google Image Search, an action I quickly came to regret as I succumbed to a wave of nausea and horror. SafeSearch is indeed off.
I was able to narrow it down:
You can look at Roger Klotz and inherently know he’s an antagonist, which is cool, but he’s green and apparently has hair made out of bacon.
Not so with our hero:
An average, everyday young man, slightly pudgy, with a big heart. That’s what American children need. They have GI Joe and the Transformers. They need an equalizer, someone they can truly relate to in the world. Optimus Prime is a great role model, but he’s made of metal and can turn into a truck, and can shoot lasers, a slightly unrealistic goal if you’re 8. Doug Funnie: the Emblem of American Childhood. Or is he?
I was sent a link to The Orange Splat, a Nicktoon archive/repository (which apparently was shut down by Viacom less than an hour ago, so god dammit), and watched an episode a while back on a whim, just for fun. The episode was called “Doug’s Got No Gift.” After watching it, and several more episodes of Doug, I saw him for who he really was. The true face of Doug Funnie.
Maybe I’m crazy, but after watching several episodes of the show, I’m convinced that Nickelodeon is getting under-the-table funding from the reds. Here’s the plot synopsis from Wikipedia:
“Doug unintentionally spends all of his money on a video arcade game ‘Bag a Neematoad’, and now he can’t buy Patti a beetball as a birthday present. So Mrs. Dink gives Doug the idea of making a gift for Patti, and all Doug hopes is that she’ll like it.”
What it should say:
Doug goes to the mall in order to try and find Patti a birthday present. His idea is to buy her a high-end, name-brand beetball (rugby ball), but he is enticed and distracted by the flashing lights and sounds of the “Bag a Neematoad” arcade game. After several exciting rounds, Doug becomes obsessed with getting a high score, and discovers that he has spent all his money, and cannot afford the expensive gift. Mrs. Dink tells doug to make a gift for Patti. Doug makes her a homemade beetball holder, which Patti loves, after she receieves several varieties of high-end, name-brand beetballs. Patti tells Doug the holder was her favorite birthday gift this year.
In other words:
Subliminal messages from this episode:
- Malls are crowded places with lots of distractions, all of which revolve around consumption. By going to a mall, you will undoubtedly spend all of your money.
- Competition for dollars (capitalism) caused Doug to spend all of his money on a flashy arcade game. Competition is bad.
- Success (being at the top of the high score list) is a function of how many dollars you have (how many attempts you make at the game). It can be inferred that competiton (more importantly, being on top) is bad.
- Without dollars, the individual is powerless to achieve success (Doug can’t afford to buy the gift).
- Mrs. Dink is the absolute antithesis to Mr. Dink. Mr. Dink is rich and eccentric, and buys “very expensive” but incredibly impractical gadgets that consistently do not work. Mrs. Dink is a consistent voice of reason in the Dink family, and always suggests a sensible alternative. By suggesting to Doug that he make the gift, Mrs. Dink is empowering the worker, and dissuading him from excessive consumption, which ultimately leads to failure.
- Patti favors Doug’s practical gift over the designer beetballs, handing another clear victory to the worker. Moreover, Doug’s gift is a beetball holder, possibly inferring that the rich are nothing without the workers to “hold them up.”
In other words: don’t spend money. Competition is bad, capitalism is bad, and consumption leads to failure. In the end, only the workers are truly successful in their plight, and they ultimately hold more power than the bourgeoisie.
I realize this may sound completely insane, but watch, if you can, several more of the Doug episodes, and you see this pattern repeat over and over and over. I especially recommend “Doug Inc,” ‘Doug Runs,” and “Doug’s Career Anxiety.” Doug Funnie, have you no decency?
Of course it’s all moot now, since apparently Viacom shut down The Orange Splat. Fuck you, Viacom. Anyway, I am not a communist or socialist, (unless, of course, the damage has already been done) but this is what I’ve seen, and this is what I think. Take it for what you will.
I was originally going to title this post “Doug Funnie is Communist Twaddle,” largely because I’ve never really gotten a chance to use the word “twaddle,” but I didn’t want anyone to think this post was about another Twitter client. Oh God.